My wonderful friend Denise and I are going through the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been an interesting journey and I believe the two of us have learned a lot together. A couple of weeks ago we were reading about "a kiss from God." Basically, the book is talking about having a deep intimate relationship with God, where He is captivated by you and vice versa. In the book, John has an experience with a whale, where he feels like God orchestrated the whale sighting to give him encouragement. John refers to it as a "kiss from God" and later Stasi admits that she was jealous and wanted her own "kiss." She then reveals that later God had her find a starfish and then thousands of starfish, reminding her that He loves her more than she can even fathom.
Denise and I both talked about this and how we long for a "kiss from God." I joked that the last "kiss" I recieved was when I found my crockpot that had been lost for three months after our move and that I desperately needed a new kiss from God. Even though I joked about it, I was serious about the new part. I have been desperate for God's love, for a wrapping of His intimacy around me. I have been praying for Him to show me His love in new ways. I've also been doing a lot of really hard "work" with Him.
You see, God has been teaching me so much about myself over the past nine months. Approximately six months ago, I became content with never having another biological child. That was a huge step for me. I have longed for another baby. I have begged, pleaded, and become as Sarai with Hagar in many ways. I have orchestrated my life in order to make that happen. God has shown me how much I placed having another child over Him. A child was more important to me than God. Another child was my idol. It grieves me to write that. I sinned. Alot. Big time. It's gone now, wiped from the slate and clean. But even though God forgets, well, I'm human and I'm not so good at forgetting my own mistakes. Satan likes it that way.
Patrick and I spent time in prayer and we feel led to adopt ftom Taiwan. For the first time in years, my heart was at peace. The timing for a little one was not my own. The timing was much longer than I had planned. (I like to plan. It doesn't do me a bit of good, I don't know when I'm going to learn that one.) And I daily continued to place God first in my life even though it's hard. And I became content with His timing. That was more of a miracle than being content with never having a biological child! It's amazing how many things come easily and come together when He is first. It's amazing how many "good" things can take that "first" place that He deserves.
In no way do I believe our four children in heaven were a punishment to me for my sin. They glorified God. They continue to do that. Children are never a punishment, no matter how long they are with us or how much it hurts when they are gone. They were a blessing from Him and I cherish them.
I'm so happy with where I am at now. I'm so happy with my two boys and the waiting process for adopting from Taiwan. But you know what? My God has a sense of humor.
Before leaving for Texas we were praying with the boys before bedtime. We finished prayers and Aiden said, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy." Patrick and I laughed, told Aiden no, and put them to bed. Then, we ran to our bedroom and blurted out, "is that possible?" We laughed again, decided no, and moved on. You might think that's kind of strange, he's just four, why would that send us running and questioning?
Well, you see, when Aiden was nine months old he patted my tummy and signed baby. That was Hannah Grace. When Aiden was 13 months old he patted my tummy and said, "baby." That was Colin Michael. When Aiden was 2 years and 8 months old he was playing on the floor, stopped what he was doing, looked up at me and said, "Mommy you have a baby girl in your tummy." That was Airen Lee. When Aiden was 3 years and 5 months old, he again stopped playing and said, "Mommy you have a baby." That was Dash Liam. Aiden also told me when Airen was gone. He knew there was no longer a baby in Mommy before I did. So, you can see how it might have sent Patrick and I running and questioning.
We put it in the back of our minds and the boys and I left for Texas. A few days ago I recieved a kiss from God. Aiden was right. There is a baby in Mommy's tummy. You know, whether this child gets to glorify God on earth or in heaven in a few months, I have no idea. But He has blessed me with another child. This is the first time we have been blessed with a child that we were not "trying" to get pregnant. We were doing the opposite actually. We are shocked. We are having "normal" bouts of intense fear. We are thrilled! We are hopeful!
We will love this child for a our lifetimes. We are praying we get to hold and raise this baby. We are asking you to pray with us, for us, for this child, for a good doctor, and for our boys. We are amazed at God's great love for us and we are not blind to His sense of humor. I've been asking God for a "kiss" for about two months now. This is not at all what I expected, but oh how He loves me! His love is amazing! He knows me more intimately than I can ever imagine. And He kissed me!!!!
