As a New Year has begun, I have made some changes in my life. I'm not really calling them resolutions, but I am working on some things in my life that I want to improve. I am doing this with a team of others that are encouraging me and holding me accountable. So far, things are going well and I am feeling confident about reaching my goals. Accountability always helps!
In my group, we are doing homework each night, helping us to reach our goals. Our homework for Saturday was to determine what was holding us back from reaching our goals. For example, a negative recurring thought, past failure, or unresolved anger, any of these things that could be causing us to not move forward. Then, we were to buy a helium balloon and symbolically "let it go" as we released the balloon into the sky.
Saturday night I told Patrick, I just can't think of anything I really need to "let go" of today. I didn't really spend a whole lot of time on it and I didn't really want to honestly. I've done this type of exercise before, although I can't remember if it was in college or high school. I kind of had a lackadaisical attitude towards the whole assignment. I was not in a hurry to really ponder what was holding me back.
The next morning during our drive to church Patrick and I were discussing something that I was dreading doing. Finally he said, "Angie I think that is what you need to let go of!" He was joking with me, but to an extent he was right. I have a tendency to worry so much about what I "think" is going to happen, that I ruin the journey to get there. Usually what I thought would happen never does. Ironically, our sermon that morning was on "worrying." Yes, I struggle with worrying about worrying. I freely admit that. No convinction there. That is an issue I know I have and am working on. At least, that's what I was "conversing" with God about during the service.
Then, the children's sermon began. I have two delightful boys. They are opinionated and free of speech. Therefore, the children's sermon is the most concerning five minutes of my week. I never know what is going to come out of my son's mouth. It increases my prayer life.
Mrs. Debbie began talking with the children. Her first words were, "do any of you worry?" Aiden raised his hand and said, "I do. Alot." Then, he dropped his little head to the floor, shook it side to side and sighed. The congregation kind of laughed because they are used to Aiden's high drama and overexaggerations. This time, he wasn't exaggerating. He does worry. I was heartbroken. What does he have to worry about? He's six. If you ask him, he will tell you he has nightmares, he worries about Daddy getting hurt at work, and a number of other things. Many more things than any 1st grader should have on their mind.
God chose this moment to speak to me straight from my sweet red head. He
was answering Mrs. Debbie, but it was actually the Holy Spirit shooting
an arrow to pierce my heart, to wake me up, and to show me what I needed
to let go of immediately. I am teaching my child to worry. My actions do not just affect me. I have always seen worrying as something that was My problem, so not a big deal if I didn't address it. Oh, I knew it was a sign of not relying on God, but that doesn't hurt anyone except me. Well, wrong. It's hurting my son. It's hurting my family and friends, because they don't see me relying on God. Instead, I am displaying that I do not belive God can care for me in any and all circumstances. I don't want that for my children. They need to know He is trustworthy, no matter what.
On the way home from church I told Patrick I was going to run in and grab my balloon as soon as we got home and do my homework. I rushed in the house. I grabbed my balloon.
I had waited too long to release what was holding me back. My balloon would no longer fly. I've heard it said that worrying is like a lead weight on your shoulders. Instead of getting rid of my anxiety immediately, I mulled over it, worried, contemplated it over and over. The longer you wait, the more it holds you down, the more you feel trapped by it. The longer you wait, the harder it is to get rid of the problem. It will take drastic measures.
It's no longer going to be a "release" it will be more like a cut, God
will have to cut out the part of your heart that is corrupt. It's
sharp, it hurts, it's going to make a loud noise, and it might scare a
few people around you. It's going to be messy and a little dangerous. Yet, God will still take over the situation if you ask Him. Thankfully, He's much more ready to handle this life that I am.
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7