Tuesday, August 24, 2010

For Right Now . . .

I need to blog so bad it isn't even funny. I have tons of posts in my head and the beautiful pictures to go with them! So many wonderful memories to share with all of you and to write down so I will remember them. Yet, that is not what I am here for today. I'm having a really bad week. Yes I know it's only Tuesday, but it has been a hard week.

Aiden starts Kindergarten tomorrow. Aiden has always been my social child. "Separation anxiety" did not exist for him. I've left him in church nurseries, Sunday School classes, two different preschools, and countless park district classes without even a look back at his Mama. On Saturday, that changed. He began telling us he didn't want to leave me, that he wanted to stay home with me. When we went for Kindergarten orientation he balked at the door and asked to go home with me. This was not in my plan! I didn't think, after all these years, he would do this.

This morning I got up and my sweet red-head was already awake watching a movie his Daddy had started for him. I sat down in the recliner and he (without removing his eyes from the TV) got up from the couch and formed his body to mine in the chair. Not a word was spoken between us, but I promise you he couldn't get close enough to me.

I held him tight and my tears began to fall. The thought that started them? "This is the last morning this will happen." I don't care that he's going to Kindergarten tomorrow. Really, I don't. I'm so excited for him! I know he's going to do great! I'm just going to miss him so much! I've taken for granted that little boy touching me non-stop for five years. I'm the problem! It's like when you are in a relationship and you tell the poor guy you have to break up with them, "It's me, not you!" I feel lost. Aiden made me a stay at home Mom. He "wrote my job description" and changed my calling from God. How do I watch him walk away?

Large parts of me do not even want to post this. Do you know why? Because I know it could always be worse! Tomorrow marks four years since Colin's death. At least I get to hold Aiden when I pick him up from school. I miss my sweet black haired boy. I am so emotional right now it physically hurts. I can barely breathe and I've been this way for several days.

So, tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me.

For right now all three of my children are sound asleep. All four of us are still in our pajamas. My two big boys (and they are big, have you noticed that? I'm not sure when it happened, but I wish it would stop sometimes) are sound asleep in their beds. My baby girl is laying in my lap. Her warm body and soft breathing is like an elixir of relaxation to me. I usually fall asleep with her. (I do usually put her in her crib for naps, but today she woke up crying and then fell back to sleep on me.)Today, we have soaked in the last of summer (right next to the AC). We sat together for over an hour guessing what color the other person was thinking about. Whoever got the answer right got to hold the small toy we were playing with and think of a color next. And we laughed. And hugged and kissed and then laughed some more. And all is right with the world, for right now . . .