My "tunnel" has been pretty long and dark this week. I struggle with depression. It's something I've battled for years. With the help of a good doctor, some medication, and some rest, things have been a lot better over the past three months, but I'm not cured of this problem. There are still times that life gets to me. There are times it seems to be overwhelming. There are days that are much worse than others. I was talking to a friend one day about this and we decided to give it a new name. Saying to someone, "I'm having a bad day," just doesn't cut it most of the time. So, it's now an "elephant day." Well, I've had an elephant week.
A lot of those that read my blog would think, well yeah, Patrick just resigned, of course you're having an elephant week. But, ironically enough, that has very little to do with the current attacks that are getting to me. And I do believe they are attacks. Satan takes situations from our lives and uses them to incapacitate us.
In the past, I would have been freaking out over the loss of pay. Patrick starts a new job tomorrow, at Wal-Mart, and we are grateful for that opportunity. It's a definite pay cut, but I'm not concerned about that, my God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
Instead, I'm dealing with loss. I'm concerned about missing my husband in this new job situation. I'm not used to sleeping alone. But mostly, I'm really missing my babies. I should have found out the gender of Dash around this time. I had daydreamed about telling family over Thanksgiving dinner. We just celebrated Airen's first Happy Heaven Day. Many friends have just found out they are expecting or have just found out the gender of their babies. I'm thrilled for them, but I want to know why it can't be me? Will it ever be me? I've seen so many little red-headed girls I lost count! Beautiful babies have come home to their forever families through the miracle of adoption this week. Will I ever get the chance to adopt again, like Patrick and I so badly want to?
My babies here on earth are growing. They are growing FAST!!! Anthony has started potty training and no longer needs speech therapy! Aiden is gaining knowledge in leaps and bounds. He amazes me with his mental development everyday. They both need me less and less everyday. And I'm sad about that.
I love my sons so much. I love being a mother. I want to be a mother to more. So, it's been an elephant week. My tunnel is dark. I'm asking God those burning questions again. I'm praying for guidance and wisdom again. And do you know what I've found? I know you will be astounded by my revelation! I've found no deep theological answers, only this:
God is still in the tunnel, carrying me, even when there are elephants in there with me too.
He tends his flock like a shepherd;
He gathers the lambs in His arms
and carries them close to His heart;
He gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11