Dash Liam Bailey
August 11, 2008
Today was Dash's first Happy Heaven Day. It's hard for me to fathom a year ago today I was in the hospital asking for another ultrasound, just to be sure he was no longer with us. I think Dash is probably the second hardest of my losses to deal with, because he had a heartbeat and things were going well. I had renewed hope with him.
Today was a really hard day. It was strange to be remembering Dash and yet be very nauseated from Hershey at the same time. It was hard not to let fear of losing Hershey overtake me today. Ironically, I've never gone through the remembrance day of one of my children while pregnant. That seems almost impossible, but it's true. I felt very alone today. It was a rough day emotionally for me. Even though I know that I am never alone, that God is walking each step of the tunnel with me, it's still a hard road.
I wish that I was normal. I'm not. I never will be. I wish that pregnancy could be a normal life experience, one met with joy and expectation of wonderful things. Instead it's a battle of fear and trust and faith in God to do what He deems best for my child. His plans are best, but sometimes His plans are painful.
I wish my children did not understand Heaven Day so well. I wish it was not so natural for them to sing Happy Heaven Day while lighting a candle in the backyard. I wish it wasn't an automatic thing for Aiden to begin praying for Dash to catch the balloon we were sending him.
I wish my little ones didn't know to thank God for "the time we had him with us" and to tell God we're looking forward to seeing Dash again.
I wish my boys didn't get so excited about letting a balloon go. I wish this wasn't a normal experience for them.
I wish I wasn't used to watching balloons float away. I wish I wasn't used to life slipping from my hands.
Yet, I'm grateful my children are learning about death in a positive way. I'm grateful that my boys do know how to pray, that they do know where their brothers and sisters are, and that they truly believe they will see them in heaven one day. I'm grateful for each and every balloon and each and every life we've been blessed with. I'm grateful for the lessons each of my children have taught me. Although they are mixed with pain, the lessons of faith and trust and not giving into fear are worth it. Each of my babies brings me a little closer to my Father and that's such an amazing task they have been privileged to fulfill. I am so thankful for Dash and that renewed hope he brought me. We laughed and cried when we saw his tiny heart beating for the first time. The doctor gave us a high five. We truly rejoiced. And today, that is what I want to remember of my sweet boy. The joy he brought me. Today, we rejoice again, knowing that Dash is giving Jesus high fives. Oh what that must be like!