When I was pregnant with Aiden, there was fear of the unknown. Fear of being a mother. Fear of labor. Fear of caring for a baby. Fear of finances. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of really screwing up. With Abby, there was fear of losing her, of pushing the envelope too far, and of never seeing her smile. There is no fear with Andon. The entire pregnancy has been void of fear. Normal is strange. As I've said in the past, God is continuing to bring beauty from ashes.
Waiting for Andon. So many dates, so many possibilities. October 24th, his due date. October 19th, the scheduled c-section. October 8th, the day Aiden has chosen that Andon will be born. October 4th, the next ultrasound and the determination of how big is he really and do we need to move the c-section up. All of the hours in the middle when he could decide to come on his own.
What to do in the waiting? Be normal. So very strange, this being normal thing. I'm nesting. Had the sudden urge to clean my ceiling fans. I resisted, only because I knew I'd get yelled at for getting on a ladder. I'm in alot of pain. I'm having contractions here and there, but nothing consistent. I'm nauseated alot, which is new. I'm watching my diet, controlling the gestational diabetes. I'm seeing the doctor twice a week. I'm waddling. I'm growing out of all of my maternity clothes. I've packed a hospital bag, well for Andon at least, not for me. I'm trying to think of all the things we need to do before he arrives.
I'm trying really hard to be at peace with God's timing on his arrival. It's hard. So, I pray for peace and try to remember to enjoy this time. I know this is the last time I will feel a child inside, kicking me. I'm trying to remind myself to wait with joy instead of grumbling. It's hard. This normal waiting is weird. There's no fear in the waiting.