Five

"You are having another little boy?"

"Yes, Andon Josiah"

"Wow! Three boys and a girl!"

(in my head: five boys and three girls) "Yes"

"Do you think your family is complete now?"

(Complete?) "We aren't sure, that is up to God."

So the conversation goes these days.

Complete? Well, honestly no. That doesn't mean we will be adding to our family again. But I know my family is not complete. For five years it has been strikingly incomplete.

I think of him when I hang the Christmas stockings. There is one missing.

Sometimes I count heads, just to make sure I have everyone. There is always one missing.

When I set the table for dinner, there is a place setting missing.

When I give goodnight kisses and rub noses one kiss goes unreceived. There is one missing.

There will Always be a little boy missing. His name is Colin. He should have started Kindergarten yesterday with his brother Anthony. Many have said, "Oh you wouldn't have Anthony if you still had Colin." I don't believe that. The two boys are not interchangeable and God chose each of them to be my son. I would have had "virtual twins" and one of my twins is missing.

Recently I was told I needed to "get over" the loss of my children, that it showed a lack of trust in God, my continued grief was somehow perceived as a sin. I completely disagree. I Daily CLING to my Father in heaven to help me walk with a hole in my heart the shape of four babies in heaven. He is the only thing that allows me to stand each day. He is the only one that can ease what is missing. He is the Only One that will make my family COMPLETE. God is the only one that sees everything, nothing is missing for Him! I can't wait for Him to show me all the things I am missing!

1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Happy Heaven Day Colin Michael. I miss you.

He would have been five today.