Monday, January 5, 2009


Well, Anthony is doing great in his new big boy bed. He's also doing awesome wearing big boy underwear! I use the term "big boy" alot around here lately. I knew I was losing it when I said it to the cat today. Hmm, maybe it's time for a Mommy break?

So, that's the first of my many questions I have rattling through my head tonight. What to do for a Mommy break? Thanks to an incredible friend I have a gift certificate for a massage. That sounds so good, but there's this part of me that doesn't want to "use it up" too fast! I might need it more later.

Which brings me to my second question, will I ever quit waiting for the "right moment" in my life? You know the right place to wear that new outfit or the right time to do something fun with my boys or the perfect day to go for a walk? Why can't I just go for a walk in the rain?

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I am making a new goal to quit waiting on the right moments and make memorable moments this year, especially when it comes to my boys. I look back at the past year and I am floored by how different they are a year later. They have both grown So much. Aiden is really good at singing right now, he can really carry a tune well, he's improved so much this year. Today, Anthony started singing the ABC's, I took a double take to make sure it was him singing. Last year at this time he still wouldn't say Mama! One of the problems with dealing with depression is that some days I "check out." I do the absolute minimum to get through the day and back in bed. I miss out on fun times with my boys when I do. I hate it. I have to constantly wage war against this stupid emotional battle my brain is going through. I have to fight for my memories of my children's childhood. That's why I'm making this new goal. That's why I sat down tonight and got organized and planned out some fun things to do with the boys this week. So, what are you going to do this week to make a memorable moment? Got a new outfit in the closet? Wear it to Wal-mart, just because!

In case you can't tell, the holidays are really hard on me in this battle. I deal with missing my children alot. One night last week I was having a hard time sleeping because of daydreams about Colin. I was going over the situation in my head trying to determine what I should have done differently, playing the "what if" question game. I know there are no answers to that, but I still get stuck playing the game sometimes. I knew I had to break the cycle, so I shared with Patrick. He prayed over me and I was able to sleep that night. Why can't I just share the thoughts before the what ifs begin? Will this question game ever end?

One of the biggest questions I ask myself during the holidays is if I'll ever get to buy a little dress for Christmas, in other words, will we ever have a daughter to hold? How will she come to us? Is international adoption right? What country? Where will the finances come from for that? Will we pass a homestudy? Will it make a difference that I take anti-depressant medication? Are the boys ready for something like that? If this is not a God given desire, why do I still have this deep desire in my heart for a little girl, after I've prayed for Him to remove it if it isn't of Him? What action will glorify God in this situation in our life?

I'm learning that I need to be more diligent in glorifying God in everything I do. This is the memory I desire for my children to have of their Mom, that I glorified God. In dealing with the depression, looking for some answers to my questions, seeking to glorify God with my whole being, and making some new goals for my life, I've been participating in a specific reading plan in the Bible. I don't usually do this. I usually pick a book or some topic to read about in my daily time with God. When I lived in Japan I read the Bible completely through from Genesis to Revelation. Recently I came across a plan to read the Bible chronologically, not the way the books are placed in the Bible, but how it is believed they came in time. For example, I read the first 8 chapters of Genesis and then I skipped to Job. Have you ever noticed that the more you study God's word, the more questions you end up with??? Well, I have. I ask God the hard questions, but there are those other questions that just are not going to be answered here on earth. I hope to find out the answers in heaven, but they are still running through my head right now. And I just feel the need to get some of them out there tonight. I'm not really expecting a response on these, if you have one, feel free to comment, I just need to share them.

Genesis 1-3
Why doesn't anyone freak out about the fact that a SNAKE was TALKING??? I mean come on people! We've watered this down to the nicest little children's story about an apple that we can! First, there was no apple, it was a "fruit" we have no idea what it looked like. Second, if a snake starting talking to me I'd have to excuse myself to change my pants because I would have peed in them! Hello??? No one ever even mentions this! Seriously, have you ever heard a sermon where they talk about the fact that the snake was talking? And dude, if the snake's punishment was to crawl on his belly, how was he getting around before?? Did he have legs, could he fly? Yes, I know this is Satan, but it's also a snake! A talking snake! Very Harry Potterish!

Genesis 4-7
Where did all of the dead bodies go from the flood? Can you imagine looking out of the ark and seeing them floating around you? When the flood waters receded were they still there? What happened to them? What was it like to see rain for the first time? How do you think Noah's daughter-in-laws felt about this? Their parents and siblings died in that flood.

Genesis 8-11
What was the original language that was being spoken before the Tower of Babel? You know, when God tells you to scatter over the earth, you should listen to Him! Because one way or another, He's going to make you scatter!

Job 1-4
Why didn't Job's wife get taken from him? Everything else was taken. Was she not that important to him? She had given up too, she told him to give up and curse God, but can we blame her? She usually gets a really bad rap for not supporting Job, for telling him to give up, but we forget that she too had just lost all of her children. I've lost four children over two and a half years, but I cannot fathom the pain of losing ten children all at the same time! This poor woman! She also lost her livelihood and servants who were probably close friends. Then, she was watching her husband lose his health. Yet, we don't even know her name. What was her faith like? Where did she stand with God?

So, there you have it. My questions that are rattling through my mind. We take Aiden to the pediatric rheumy tomorrow at St. Louis Children's Hospital. It's a regular check-up on his TRAPS. But tomorrow night I have a date planned for me and my little boys. Be sure you make today memorable!

The day I am glorified will be a memorable day for them, declares the Sovereign Lord. Ezekiel 39:13b


lil K said...

Oh my goodness, I never thought of that, at least not really...I never thought how weird it would be see a snake talking..
I suppose I talk too walls too much... hmm...

Misty V said...

i enjoy reading your thoughts. keep that list of activities handy. i have one so that I "remember" to make the most of my time with the kids -sometimes the "chores" get in the way.

Keren said...

Hey Lady, love the questions very thought provoking. If we all admit it to ourselves, we all play the what if game. Could something we did or should have done different in the past change the here and now. The amazingly cool and awesome thing about all of the what ifs is just this: God is in control even of the what ifs. Romans 8:28-39 sums it up pretty well, I think. There are others, but I really like this passage.