Baby's First Christmas

Aiden John, 11 months, 2005


Anthony Joseph, 9 months, 2006


Abigail Jaicee, 11 months, 2010
 

Andon Josiah, 2 months, 2011

Hannah Grace

On December 18th, 2005, I miscarried our second child in a hospital emergency room.  I was 11 weeks pregnant, but the pathology report said the baby had stopped growing at five weeks.  We named the baby Hannah Grace.  Obviously, we do not know for certain the child was a girl.  However, she was in my heart.  The eleven weeks she grew in my heart changed me forever.  Today, after a long hard road of dealing with this painful scar, most of that change is for good.  In an effort to honor her and help others who might be experiencing something similar, this is her story.

The Story of Hannah Grace

I'm pregnant.  Aiden is barely nine months old.  We just got on our feet a little.  Our families aren't very happy.  I'm trying to pretend to be happy, but I'm really scared.  I am not happy.  Patrick and I are arguing a lot.  I don't know how to handle this! I don't want her.  I am not ready for another baby.  I said it out loud.  More than once.  I screamed it at Patrick. 

A few weeks pass.  Tears streamed down my face and blood dripped down my thigh.  I didn't mean it.  Give me back my baby God!  Please!  I do want her!  Why am I losing her?

Drop Aiden with my Mom.  I've never been away from him!  I'm still nursing him.  They tell me to stop nursing him or I will lose her.  I don't want to stop.   He's only eleven months old!  My heart is torn between the love I hold and the love I'm trying to keep alive.  Why am I losing her?

Race to the ER.  My Daddy is holding me and crying while Patrick takes care of paperwork.  Why am I losing her?

I know I'm only eleven weeks.  What do you mean there is "evidence of conception, but no fetus"  There WAS a baby there!  Don't call it a spontaneous abortion!  This was Not an abortion!  Why am I losing her?

I've had a healthy baby!  He's a big brother!  He's going to be a big brother in July!  It's only December!  Why am I losing her?

What is that doctor doing?  I feel like I was just violated in a way no woman should be!  I don't know what she did.  She didn't even talk to me, I don't even know this doctor's name!  I can't see.  I didn't get to see her!  Why am I losing her?

If you can't get that IV in my hand on the third try you are done.  There will be no IV!  Don't laugh as you roll the needle and show others how it rolls my vein.  I don't care if you haven't ever seen that happen before, it hurts!  Can't you hear?  I'm losing her!  Why am I losing her?

Darkness surrounds me.  I'm all alone in a hospital room.  They tell me to sleep.  Is she really gone?  God, where are you?  Where did they take her?  I didn't even ask!  What kind of a Mother am I?  Could I have buried her?  What did they do with her, she was a baby, not tissue!  Did they just throw her away?  Did I really lose her?  Why did I lose her?

In a wheelchair.  It's morning.  The doctor has ordered an ultrasound to make sure all of the "tissue" is out and there will be no "complications."  The ultrasound tech greets me with a cheery, "let's see how far along you are!" I start to shout at her for her insensitive words, but no sound comes.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  I suck in my breathe.  Tears well up in my eyes.   I barely get out, "I lost her."

You won't believe what they did to me!

Hi Mommy!

Much better Daddy!

Daddy, hold me!

Great Lungs

10 lbs 5 oz 19.5"

10 lbs 5 oz 19.5" pictures to come later

Patrick dressed and ready to roll

Getting "dressed" for the OR.

We are at the hospital and updates will be posted here and/or on Patrick's facebook.

Normal Waiting

When I was pregnant with Aiden, there was fear of the unknown. Fear of being a mother. Fear of labor. Fear of caring for a baby. Fear of finances. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of really screwing up. With Abby, there was fear of losing her, of pushing the envelope too far, and of never seeing her smile. There is no fear with Andon. The entire pregnancy has been void of fear. Normal is strange. As I've said in the past, God is continuing to bring beauty from ashes.

Waiting for Andon. So many dates, so many possibilities. October 24th, his due date. October 19th, the scheduled c-section. October 8th, the day Aiden has chosen that Andon will be born. October 4th, the next ultrasound and the determination of how big is he really and do we need to move the c-section up. All of the hours in the middle when he could decide to come on his own.

What to do in the waiting? Be normal. So very strange, this being normal thing. I'm nesting. Had the sudden urge to clean my ceiling fans. I resisted, only because I knew I'd get yelled at for getting on a ladder. I'm in alot of pain. I'm having contractions here and there, but nothing consistent. I'm nauseated alot, which is new. I'm watching my diet, controlling the gestational diabetes. I'm seeing the doctor twice a week. I'm waddling. I'm growing out of all of my maternity clothes. I've packed a hospital bag, well for Andon at least, not for me. I'm trying to think of all the things we need to do before he arrives.

I'm trying really hard to be at peace with God's timing on his arrival. It's hard. So, I pray for peace and try to remember to enjoy this time. I know this is the last time I will feel a child inside, kicking me. I'm trying to remind myself to wait with joy instead of grumbling. It's hard. This normal waiting is weird. There's no fear in the waiting.

Party of Five

Party of Five, Expanding Soon!

The Picture

I have beautiful maternity pictures with Aiden. I was alot younger looking then! I never had pictures made when I was pregnant with Colin. I was on bed rest. For some reason though, I do not even have pictures we took ourselves. I don't know why. I do not have any pictures documenting my pregnancy with Colin. I have always regretted that. I "resolved" that issue when I was pregnant with Abby. I took belly pictures every week with her. I never got professional maternity pictures though, because I got put on bed rest and placed in the hospital.

Today, we had family pictures made. Me, pregnant, surrounded by my three beautiful children and my handsome husband. That was sweet. We took individual pictures of the three munchkins. They are cute as a button. Then, the photographer took a picture of me and I'm holding my very big round belly in my two hands and I'm looking down at this life inside of me and my face is beaming with joy. The picture is "the" picture. I looked up and saw it on the screen and tears formed in my eyes as my sweet Father in heaven whispered in my ear, "beauty from ashes Angie." It's as if He wants to redeem every part of my regret and pain one moment at a time, in a very intimate dance with me. What kind of love is that?

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way...
He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

Coffee Break

Today is International Coffee Day!

Little Chefs

My Mom and the kids are working on a neat project.  She is cooking with them nearly every day right now.  Meat loaf was the menu for the day!


I just love this picture!!!  It was yummy too!

Swim Class

Abby and I are ready for swim class!


This is one of my absolute favorite activities in our week.  Abby loves swimming so much!  She gets so excited to go and has improved so much since we started!


This is probably one of our last classes.  It just makes me want to cry, but with the baby's arrival getting so close we will have to take a little water break.  I hope we can get back to it very soon!

36 Weeks

I'm 36 weeks!  We haven't had any complications, except gestational diabetes.  The doctors are saying this little boy is big.  I think he'll be about 8 pounds 5 ounces.  I can't wait to see!  I think it'll be anytime now, I've had a few contractions.  Aiden was born at 37 weeks.
 

So glad my Mom is here helping now!!!  I don't know what I would do without the amazing grandparents my babies have!

Happy Birthday Patrick!

Aiden and Anthony planned a birthday party for their Daddy!  Aiden wanted his Daddy to have a farm birthday because Daddy loves chickens.

Nan helped Aiden, Anthony, and Abby make a cake.


Our friends celebrated with us!


Mimi gave him a laptop!


He loved his card from CJ.
 

Aiden sang a special song and made a song on the Wii for his Daddy, it was awesome!

Apple Pie

Our amazing neighbor baked Patrick an apple pie for his birthday today since I am so very pregnant!  It was yummy!  Happy 33rd Birthday Patrick!

Wacky Wear

Today was Wacky Wear at school!

Loved Aiden's hair!


Anthony was fascinated with wearing different socks!

Fun Run

The boys had their Fun Run for school today.  This is a fundraiser to help their school.  Aiden's class was first!


His first grade class, with Max the Cheetah.


Cheerleaders!


Anthony's class is up!


Anthony's Kindergarten Class with Max.


The cheerleaders gave it their all!

Bucket List Complete!

Well, school has begun and today we finally marked off the rest of our Bailey Family Summer Bucket List!  We started the day by finishing a project that has been seven years in the making.  Patrick and the children put a stain on our box we keep our shoes in.


Then, today was the grand opening of McDonald's in Sugar Grove. 


We had a quick lunch and then got to dance with Ronald McDonald.  Abby loved it!


Finally, to our bucket list item!  We wanted to see a baseball game!  Getting ready!


Oh no!  Rain delay!


Making the most of our seats while we wait!!!  (Also a very good picture of my daily life.)


Yay!  We're gonna play ball now!


Well, she almost made it.


We will definitely be doing the baseball thing again.  The local team is the Kaneland Cougars.  It was a fun experience!  The night we went was Star Wars night.  We were supposed to get to see fireworks with Star Wars music, but because of the rain delay and the city curfew we didn't get to have fireworks.  I'm not sure who was more disappointed the boys or Patrick and I.  It was definitely a close race on that one! 

Bucket list complete!  We had an awesome summer!!!

Five

"You are having another little boy?"

"Yes, Andon Josiah"

"Wow! Three boys and a girl!"

(in my head: five boys and three girls) "Yes"

"Do you think your family is complete now?"

(Complete?) "We aren't sure, that is up to God."

So the conversation goes these days.

Complete? Well, honestly no. That doesn't mean we will be adding to our family again. But I know my family is not complete. For five years it has been strikingly incomplete.

I think of him when I hang the Christmas stockings. There is one missing.

Sometimes I count heads, just to make sure I have everyone. There is always one missing.

When I set the table for dinner, there is a place setting missing.

When I give goodnight kisses and rub noses one kiss goes unreceived. There is one missing.

There will Always be a little boy missing. His name is Colin. He should have started Kindergarten yesterday with his brother Anthony. Many have said, "Oh you wouldn't have Anthony if you still had Colin." I don't believe that. The two boys are not interchangeable and God chose each of them to be my son. I would have had "virtual twins" and one of my twins is missing.

Recently I was told I needed to "get over" the loss of my children, that it showed a lack of trust in God, my continued grief was somehow perceived as a sin. I completely disagree. I Daily CLING to my Father in heaven to help me walk with a hole in my heart the shape of four babies in heaven. He is the only thing that allows me to stand each day. He is the only one that can ease what is missing. He is the Only One that will make my family COMPLETE. God is the only one that sees everything, nothing is missing for Him! I can't wait for Him to show me all the things I am missing!

1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Happy Heaven Day Colin Michael. I miss you.

He would have been five today.

First Day of School

New clothes, new backpacks, new friends, new teachers, new schedules.


First Grade. Mr Wenz.


New lunchbox. This is hard on Mom. I can't imagine not having Aiden at lunch. I'm going to spend all day worrying if I put enough food in for him! But I did enjoy slipping a little note in his lunchbox last night.


Big boy. This is "old hat"


And a new year begins.


A special lunch. A congratulation card.


Kindergarten. Mrs. Yaggie. PM class.


No more naps.


And a school career begins!


Yay for a successful first day! Together again!


Let's go home and play! What? We have to do our homework first??? Awww Mom!